Saturday, December 06, 2003
Supreme Court Alters Miranda Act
Lady with Fruit on Head Severely Pissed Off
Washington, D.C. -- The U.S. Supreme Court changed the lives of TV writers everywhere this week, as the justices made sure that the phrase "You have the right to remain silent" would forever be banished to the dustbin of broadcast history. On a 6-3 vote, the justices struck down the Miranda Act, saying that while it was an okay idea back in the '60s, the law doesn't live up to modern needs -- especially the need to torture confessions out of suspected criminals and innocent bystanders. "These are different times," Justice Anthony Scalia said after writing one of the many split opinions. "We need Americans to speak up when a crime has been committed -- especially if we think they did it. This law gives officials the right to jab the suspect a little, maybe poke a truncheon in their guts, just to see what falls out. Is that so wrong?"
The landmark 1966 Miranda v. Arizona case suggested that everyone deserved certain rights, even those accused of a crime. As watchers of TV dramas know, those rights included the right to remain silent, the knowledge that anything that's said can be used against them, the right to have an attorney present during all questioning (and if you can't afford one, a lawyer will be appointed), and that an interrogation must stop if there is no lawyer present and the person wants one. (This last action is called "lawyering up" -- for some reason, no one ever says they're "plumbering up" or "orthepedicizing up.") The historic case didn't preclude anyone from being arrested, but it did stop police from getting a confession by beating the living crap out of someone. No more.
"This is a good day," said Sergeant Louie Mandeville of Winooski, Vermont. "I can breath easily -- unlike the next punk who tries using that 'silence is golden' crap on me. He'll be breathing through a straw."
Not all law enforcement officials are so joyous about the ruling. "The new law is a bit Ö wordy," suggested Captain Jack Sprat of Terra Haute, Indiana. The Supreme Court, in its infinite wisdom, has replaced the previous wording with the following, which all police officers must say before taking anyone in for questioning: "You have the right to bleed profusely. You have the right to see a doctor, even if you have no health insurance, but don't expect us to help pay for your injuries, even if we've inflicted them. You have the right to an attorney, as long as you have Corbin Bernsen's home phone number -- and not his cell, either. You have the right to languish in an overcrowded prison, where they don't even serve breakfast on the weekends anymore, where you will most likely pick up more bad habits than good, and where you will certainly learn -- if you didn't know already -- what it's like to be black and disenfranchised in America."
"I think the court may have gone a bit too far," said Sprat. "I mean, that LA Law reference is so 1985. What were they thinking?"
***
Washington, D.C. -- The U.S. Supreme Court changed the lives of TV writers everywhere this week, as the justices made sure that the phrase "You have the right to remain silent" would forever be banished to the dustbin of broadcast history. On a 6-3 vote, the justices struck down the Miranda Act, saying that while it was an okay idea back in the '60s, the law doesn't live up to modern needs -- especially the need to torture confessions out of suspected criminals and innocent bystanders. "These are different times," Justice Anthony Scalia said after writing one of the many split opinions. "We need Americans to speak up when a crime has been committed -- especially if we think they did it. This law gives officials the right to jab the suspect a little, maybe poke a truncheon in their guts, just to see what falls out. Is that so wrong?"
The landmark 1966 Miranda v. Arizona case suggested that everyone deserved certain rights, even those accused of a crime. As watchers of TV dramas know, those rights included the right to remain silent, the knowledge that anything that's said can be used against them, the right to have an attorney present during all questioning (and if you can't afford one, a lawyer will be appointed), and that an interrogation must stop if there is no lawyer present and the person wants one. (This last action is called "lawyering up" -- for some reason, no one ever says they're "plumbering up" or "orthepedicizing up.") The historic case didn't preclude anyone from being arrested, but it did stop police from getting a confession by beating the living crap out of someone. No more.
"This is a good day," said Sergeant Louie Mandeville of Winooski, Vermont. "I can breath easily -- unlike the next punk who tries using that 'silence is golden' crap on me. He'll be breathing through a straw."
Not all law enforcement officials are so joyous about the ruling. "The new law is a bit Ö wordy," suggested Captain Jack Sprat of Terra Haute, Indiana. The Supreme Court, in its infinite wisdom, has replaced the previous wording with the following, which all police officers must say before taking anyone in for questioning: "You have the right to bleed profusely. You have the right to see a doctor, even if you have no health insurance, but don't expect us to help pay for your injuries, even if we've inflicted them. You have the right to an attorney, as long as you have Corbin Bernsen's home phone number -- and not his cell, either. You have the right to languish in an overcrowded prison, where they don't even serve breakfast on the weekends anymore, where you will most likely pick up more bad habits than good, and where you will certainly learn -- if you didn't know already -- what it's like to be black and disenfranchised in America."
"I think the court may have gone a bit too far," said Sprat. "I mean, that LA Law reference is so 1985. What were they thinking?"
***
top 10 records of all-time
1. Belle & Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister
2. Pavement - Slanted & Enchanted
3. Replacements - Let It Be
4. Tom Waits - Rain Dogs
5. Bob Dylan - Desire
6. Bedhead - Transaction de Novo
7. Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
8. Jacques Dutronc - Les Cactus
9. Violent Femmes - S/T
10. My Bloody Valentine - Sunny Sundae Smile
2. Pavement - Slanted & Enchanted
3. Replacements - Let It Be
4. Tom Waits - Rain Dogs
5. Bob Dylan - Desire
6. Bedhead - Transaction de Novo
7. Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
8. Jacques Dutronc - Les Cactus
9. Violent Femmes - S/T
10. My Bloody Valentine - Sunny Sundae Smile
Top 10 movies of all time
It's funny, but I always thought that dramas held up better than comedies, that humor changed with age and grew moldy with multiple viewings. But when it came time to pick 10 films, I chose a lot of comedies. Or at least dramas with a light touch. And there's only one French film on there. I think that means I'm getting old. Not in a bad way; more of a "I'm not as into pretention and Godardian obfuscation like I used to be" way. Too bad I'm still using words like obfuscation.
1. The Godfather (Francis Ford Coppola)
2. Return of the Secaucus 7 (John Sayles)
3. Afterlife (Hirokazu Koreeda)
4. Un Coeur en Hiver (Claude Sautet)
5. Annie Hall (Woody Allen)
6. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Amy Heckerling)
7. Secrets & Lies (Mike Leigh)
8. Dazed & Confused (Richard Linklater)
9. Trust (Hal Hartley)
10. Kicking & Screaming (Noah Baumbach)
Someone asked me what movie I knew the most dialogue from. It's easily Dazed & Confused. Quentin Tarentino called it "a hang out film," and that's about the only smart thing he's ever said. You just want to hang out with the characters. There's a lot of hang out films on my list -- Dazed, Kicking, Secaucus, Fast Times, Secrets & Lies (Leigh even makes his films by hanging out with the actors). Even Afterlife is kind of like hanging out, post-life. And that first scene in the Godfather -- one of the greatest single set pieces ever -- sets up the whole film by having everyone hang out at the wedding. Only Un Coeur en Hiver really diverges -- it's plot is driven by the idea that some people are so unused to love that they spurn it when it's offered to them.
Okay, so they're not all comedies.
1. The Godfather (Francis Ford Coppola)
2. Return of the Secaucus 7 (John Sayles)
3. Afterlife (Hirokazu Koreeda)
4. Un Coeur en Hiver (Claude Sautet)
5. Annie Hall (Woody Allen)
6. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Amy Heckerling)
7. Secrets & Lies (Mike Leigh)
8. Dazed & Confused (Richard Linklater)
9. Trust (Hal Hartley)
10. Kicking & Screaming (Noah Baumbach)
Someone asked me what movie I knew the most dialogue from. It's easily Dazed & Confused. Quentin Tarentino called it "a hang out film," and that's about the only smart thing he's ever said. You just want to hang out with the characters. There's a lot of hang out films on my list -- Dazed, Kicking, Secaucus, Fast Times, Secrets & Lies (Leigh even makes his films by hanging out with the actors). Even Afterlife is kind of like hanging out, post-life. And that first scene in the Godfather -- one of the greatest single set pieces ever -- sets up the whole film by having everyone hang out at the wedding. Only Un Coeur en Hiver really diverges -- it's plot is driven by the idea that some people are so unused to love that they spurn it when it's offered to them.
Okay, so they're not all comedies.
something against you
See, here's the first thing you should know. I compartmentalize. Everything. Most people leave this phase behind around year 12. Not me. So if you read this site, you'll get a lot of lists. And you'll get numbers. And you'll get the name of the label that the album came out on. And you'll get lots of comments. And lots of sentences that begin with "And."
Top 10 albums of 2003:
1. Postal Service - Give Up (Sub Pop)
2. Broadcast - Haha Sound (Warp)
3. Jolie Holland - Catalpa (Anti)
4. Pacific UV - S/T (Warm)
5. Outkast - Speakerboxx (Arista)
6. New Pornographers - Electric Version (Matador)
7. Camera Obscura - Underachievers Please Try Harder (Elefant)
8. Phil Crumar - So Unique(Up in the Attic)
9. Radio Dept. - Lesser Matters(Shelflife)
10. Various Artists - VELVET TINMINE (RPM)
Five years from now, it's unlikely that I'll listen to more than three of these. I'll put on "Hey Ya" for nostalgia, remembering that summer when the song was everywhere -- ricocheting back and forth between our boombox and the stereo of the unfriendly family with the jumpy kiddie-castle at the TKS006 picnic. And I'll have forgotten that Phil Crumar played Victoria's holiday party, and Electric Version will simply remind me of that live show when those underage boys got onstage and played air-guitar and -bass and made a sandwich with whatshername, the altcountry Playboy centerfold who usually reminds me of Nicolette Larson and not in a good way (sorry Rusz). And how afterwards I got to kiss Joanna.
But that Postal Service record. Man, what a record. From now on I do not date anyone who does not love that record. Unless they have yet to hear it -- then, I'll cut them some slack until they've listened a few times and made up their mind.
Top 10 albums of 2003:
1. Postal Service - Give Up (Sub Pop)
2. Broadcast - Haha Sound (Warp)
3. Jolie Holland - Catalpa (Anti)
4. Pacific UV - S/T (Warm)
5. Outkast - Speakerboxx (Arista)
6. New Pornographers - Electric Version (Matador)
7. Camera Obscura - Underachievers Please Try Harder (Elefant)
8. Phil Crumar - So Unique(Up in the Attic)
9. Radio Dept. - Lesser Matters(Shelflife)
10. Various Artists - VELVET TINMINE (RPM)
Five years from now, it's unlikely that I'll listen to more than three of these. I'll put on "Hey Ya" for nostalgia, remembering that summer when the song was everywhere -- ricocheting back and forth between our boombox and the stereo of the unfriendly family with the jumpy kiddie-castle at the TKS006 picnic. And I'll have forgotten that Phil Crumar played Victoria's holiday party, and Electric Version will simply remind me of that live show when those underage boys got onstage and played air-guitar and -bass and made a sandwich with whatshername, the altcountry Playboy centerfold who usually reminds me of Nicolette Larson and not in a good way (sorry Rusz). And how afterwards I got to kiss Joanna.
But that Postal Service record. Man, what a record. From now on I do not date anyone who does not love that record. Unless they have yet to hear it -- then, I'll cut them some slack until they've listened a few times and made up their mind.
